Hurt.

Physical pain is uncomfortable. I mean seriously, no one LIKES flying over their bicycle's handlebars. Or falling down a flight of stairs in front of about 40 onlookers. Or stepping on a bee in the middle of the hottest day of the year.

Yes, all of the aforementioned circumstances... suck.

But what's worse is internal pain. The hurt caused by people in your life who you care about. It doesn't matter if they're aware that they're hurting you or not... the pain is the same.... and often, more extreme.

That's all. I hurt.

Sunrise/Sunset...

 The sun can represent so many different things... new beginnings, long-awaited endings, stifling heat, unfortunate burns. And I have a feeling that most people gaze at the burning light in the early hours of the morning, or late in the afternoon as it fades over the horizon. I haven't heard many people say they stare into the blinding light at noon to consider their deepest thoughts.

When I was in the mountains this summer with my family, I had the ability to walk outside every morning and every evening, and see the most beautiful sunrise/sunsets over the North Carolina mountains. In doing so, I found myself slipping into almost a hypnotic state, analyzing my life and my feelings. After all, it's easier not to completely go mad with worry over what you haven't accomplished when you're in the presence of something so calm and beautiful.

Getting up early isn't the most fun thing to do in the world, but I urge you to dedicate one morning in the near future to awaking before dawn, and finding a place to witness God's beautiful handiwork.

The sun won't give you any answers, but it very well may spark your soul.

It's a journey...

It's a rainy day in central Virginia, the perfect atmosphere to have a deep internal conversation. Mine was sparked when I read a blog post by a friend. She is very open with her thoughts, and often posts notes on Facebook regarding whatever issues she's dealing with. I'm not saying that in a cold tone; I always enjoy reading her thoughts. I find comfort in her words.

Today, she shared that she took a midnight drive last night after seeing Eat, Pray, Love. If you read my silly blog, you'll notice that I blogged about the very same movie/book a couple of months ago. As always, the book was better. In any case, she saw the movie with a friend, and it got her thinking about her own life. So there she was, in the middle of the night, driving aimlessly as the tears fell.

Like me, she hasn't found her calling. Like me, her heart has been broken. Like me, she worries about the future, no matter how hard she tries to keep herself from doing so.

As I read her words, especially the part about her heart still healing, my eyes filled. I had never seen my feelings so accurately portrayed in words. Only, they weren't even my words. I've had my fair share of breakdowns lately, and funny enough, they usually happen in the car. The last time it happened, the day before my birthday last week, it was The Fray's "Happiness." I sobbed like a little girl. Not because I was sad. But because I was scared.

It's unsettling to know that some people you love won't love you back. It's frightening to think that you will never find your purpose. And it's almost nauseating to believe that you're stuck in a rut, standing still as everyone else flies by.

But, as I'm trying harder to understand each day, faith means trusting God to make sure we end up in the right place. He loves me. And instead of worrying about finding my purpose in this life, I should be more concerned with loving Him back.

We're all on a journey. We're all driving down that same road in the middle of the night. Only some of us may be crying a little harder than others.

Ordinary... Please, no.

I was just sitting at my desk, enjoying a little Pandora playlist, and Ordinary by Train came on. The lyrics...

Whose eyes am I behind
I don’t recognize anything that I see
Whose skin is this design
I don’t want this to be the way that you see me

I don’t understand anything anymore
In this world that I’m tired of
Is taking me right up these walls
That I climb up
To get to your story
It’s anything but ordinary

And when the world is on its knees with me its fine
And when I come to the rescue I get nothing but left behind
Everybody seems to be getting what they need where's mine
‘Cause your what I need so very but I'm anything but ordinary

Can you save me from this world of mine
Before I get myself arrested with this expectation
You are the one look what you’ve done
What have you done?
This is not some kind of joke
You’re just a kid
You weren’t ready for what you did

And when the world is on its knees with me its fine
And when I come to the rescue I do it for you time after time
Everybody seems to be getting what they need where's mine
‘Cause you what I need so very but I'm anything but ordinary

I think I'm trying to save the world from you
You’ve been saving me too
We could just stay in and save each other

I'm anything but ordinary
I'm anything but ordinary 



This song, and the word ordinary, started replaying in my mind, over and over. The opening verse is so close to how I'm feeling today... like I don't know myself, I don't understand life, I don't know (or like) what I'm seeing.


No one wants to be ordinary. Like Mena Suvari's character said in American Beauty, "I don't think there's anything worse than being ordinary."

So how do we break out of the ordinary cycle? How do we become extraordinary when we're stuck in a rut?