Hurt.

Physical pain is uncomfortable. I mean seriously, no one LIKES flying over their bicycle's handlebars. Or falling down a flight of stairs in front of about 40 onlookers. Or stepping on a bee in the middle of the hottest day of the year.

Yes, all of the aforementioned circumstances... suck.

But what's worse is internal pain. The hurt caused by people in your life who you care about. It doesn't matter if they're aware that they're hurting you or not... the pain is the same.... and often, more extreme.

That's all. I hurt.

Sunrise/Sunset...

 The sun can represent so many different things... new beginnings, long-awaited endings, stifling heat, unfortunate burns. And I have a feeling that most people gaze at the burning light in the early hours of the morning, or late in the afternoon as it fades over the horizon. I haven't heard many people say they stare into the blinding light at noon to consider their deepest thoughts.

When I was in the mountains this summer with my family, I had the ability to walk outside every morning and every evening, and see the most beautiful sunrise/sunsets over the North Carolina mountains. In doing so, I found myself slipping into almost a hypnotic state, analyzing my life and my feelings. After all, it's easier not to completely go mad with worry over what you haven't accomplished when you're in the presence of something so calm and beautiful.

Getting up early isn't the most fun thing to do in the world, but I urge you to dedicate one morning in the near future to awaking before dawn, and finding a place to witness God's beautiful handiwork.

The sun won't give you any answers, but it very well may spark your soul.

It's a journey...

It's a rainy day in central Virginia, the perfect atmosphere to have a deep internal conversation. Mine was sparked when I read a blog post by a friend. She is very open with her thoughts, and often posts notes on Facebook regarding whatever issues she's dealing with. I'm not saying that in a cold tone; I always enjoy reading her thoughts. I find comfort in her words.

Today, she shared that she took a midnight drive last night after seeing Eat, Pray, Love. If you read my silly blog, you'll notice that I blogged about the very same movie/book a couple of months ago. As always, the book was better. In any case, she saw the movie with a friend, and it got her thinking about her own life. So there she was, in the middle of the night, driving aimlessly as the tears fell.

Like me, she hasn't found her calling. Like me, her heart has been broken. Like me, she worries about the future, no matter how hard she tries to keep herself from doing so.

As I read her words, especially the part about her heart still healing, my eyes filled. I had never seen my feelings so accurately portrayed in words. Only, they weren't even my words. I've had my fair share of breakdowns lately, and funny enough, they usually happen in the car. The last time it happened, the day before my birthday last week, it was The Fray's "Happiness." I sobbed like a little girl. Not because I was sad. But because I was scared.

It's unsettling to know that some people you love won't love you back. It's frightening to think that you will never find your purpose. And it's almost nauseating to believe that you're stuck in a rut, standing still as everyone else flies by.

But, as I'm trying harder to understand each day, faith means trusting God to make sure we end up in the right place. He loves me. And instead of worrying about finding my purpose in this life, I should be more concerned with loving Him back.

We're all on a journey. We're all driving down that same road in the middle of the night. Only some of us may be crying a little harder than others.

Ordinary... Please, no.

I was just sitting at my desk, enjoying a little Pandora playlist, and Ordinary by Train came on. The lyrics...

Whose eyes am I behind
I don’t recognize anything that I see
Whose skin is this design
I don’t want this to be the way that you see me

I don’t understand anything anymore
In this world that I’m tired of
Is taking me right up these walls
That I climb up
To get to your story
It’s anything but ordinary

And when the world is on its knees with me its fine
And when I come to the rescue I get nothing but left behind
Everybody seems to be getting what they need where's mine
‘Cause your what I need so very but I'm anything but ordinary

Can you save me from this world of mine
Before I get myself arrested with this expectation
You are the one look what you’ve done
What have you done?
This is not some kind of joke
You’re just a kid
You weren’t ready for what you did

And when the world is on its knees with me its fine
And when I come to the rescue I do it for you time after time
Everybody seems to be getting what they need where's mine
‘Cause you what I need so very but I'm anything but ordinary

I think I'm trying to save the world from you
You’ve been saving me too
We could just stay in and save each other

I'm anything but ordinary
I'm anything but ordinary 



This song, and the word ordinary, started replaying in my mind, over and over. The opening verse is so close to how I'm feeling today... like I don't know myself, I don't understand life, I don't know (or like) what I'm seeing.


No one wants to be ordinary. Like Mena Suvari's character said in American Beauty, "I don't think there's anything worse than being ordinary."

So how do we break out of the ordinary cycle? How do we become extraordinary when we're stuck in a rut?

Missed Opportunities...

Sometimes I wonder about how my life would be different if I had made different choices. I guess everyone thinks about that stuff, even though doing so doesn't really get you anywhere. If anything, it just makes me feel depressed and assume that, had I made different choices, I would be much happier. But it could have just as easily gone the other way.

For example, where would I be now had I not gone to boarding school, but stayed at Hickory High? I'm convinced that would have led me to a full ride to a good school on a tennis scholarship. Granted, I did play a year at Elon, but it wasn't exactly what I had in mind when I used to dream about playing college tennis. Had I gone to college with tennis being the priority, I think my life would be much different.

But then again, what if I had never played tennis? What if I spent all of my time on the softball field instead? What if I went to a college to play softball? Or what if I didn't play sports at all, and spent more time honing my writing skills? Perhaps I could have gotten an academic grant and gone to school for creative writing.

If either of those things happened, I would probably not have gone to Colorado for the baseball internship during my senior year. That creates a snowball: then, I wouldn't have met Dave, I wouldn't have moved to New Orleans, I might not have found the newspaper job in Hickory... and the list continues. That would lead me to now... I probably wouldn't be at Liberty.

What if I had stuck with the newspaper gig? Would I feel any more successful than I feel now? Would I feel more secure about fulfilling my life's purpose? Would I feel like I was making a difference, or that I mattered?

This game is deadly.

I am grateful for all the blessings I have in my life at this moment... but as my mind wanders into the past, I can't help but wonder what my life could be.

I'm Cleansing.... Don't talk to me...

Kidding, kidding. But I am suffering from a God-awful headache right now, no doubt a result of my sudden withdrawal from caffeine.

Let me back up. A co-worker of mine completed a 21-day cleanse, and she raved about it so much that I felt inclined to take on the slightly idiotic challenge. After all, I thought, what's the worst that could happen?

This headache, that's one thing.

Anyway, it's not a strict cleanse, like the kind where you can only drink a homemade concoction of maple syrup and salt. Or is it pepper? I don't know, but I DO know that this lady would not last one day on that program.

No, this cleanse allows eating, but it really limits what you eat. I can basically have all the fruits and veggies I desire, but that's about it. No bread. No soda. No chocolate. Lord, help me.

I also have to take a bunch of supplements and ingest self-made fruit smoothies. I'm not exactly Suzie Homemaker, so even blending frozen fruit can be a daunting task.

So today marks Day 1. I'm feeling ok, minus the throbbing headache and the brief bout of nausea this morning. My mood doesn't seem to be affected yet. But, it's still early.

Hitting Rewind...

Today is a big day.

Today, I will return to the land of my college days... good ole' Elon, NC.

I graduated in 2003 and haven't really been back since then, minus a late-night stop at a former favorite dining establishment. Oh Sandy's Subs, how I miss you.

So I have a strange feeling that's been generating quietly in the pit of my stomach this week as I've anticipated the trip. I'm going for work, not pleasure, so it's not like I'll have free reign to re-live my idiotic early 20's (not that I have any desire to do so, thank you).

Nope, I'll be there for a tournament, and my time actually on campus will be limited. All of my friends have moved on, although I still know a professor or two who may be around.

But part of me just wants to roam around campus and take it all in. I want to walk under the oaks and close my eyes, remembering who I was at 18.

I think I would be disappointed.

See, I didn't feel any sort of sentimental connection to my school. I think, for that reason, my ability to recollect details has all but faded. It's sad, really. I spent four years of my life at this place, and rarely anything stands out to me.

Maybe I'll feel differently when I get there. Maybe.

Eating, Praying, Loving

So I finished Elizabeth Gilbert's memoir, Eat Pray Love, and went to see the movie last night with my friend Jess.

While I found the book pretty enjoyable (although slow-moving at times), the flick was an absolute dud.

For those of you who aren't familiar with the story, a travel writer has a personal crisis, divorcing her husband, questioning the life she's worked so hard to build, and ultimately deciding to take a one-year sabbatical of sorts. She travels to Italy, India and Bali, searching for pleasure, a closer relationship with God, and personal peace.

Along the way, she meets people from different backgrounds, who are all facing their own struggles.

It made me wonder what I would do if I had the financial freedom to take a trip like that. Just skip town for a year, alone, and see what I find.

Money would be the only obstacle. I'm not married, I don't have kids, I'm not in a profession where if I took an extended vacation I'd expire like sour milk.

So then I thought... where would I go?

Movies always alter reality, but I would LOVE to see Bali after watching the film. I'd also want to go see the gorgeous landscapes of New Zealand, live on a ranch in Australia, and wander the crazy streets of Tokyo (yes, I've always had a thing for Asian men).

Maybe one day, I can take my dream trip. My tangible journey of self-discovery, where I can learn about how other people live while simultaneously seeking to answer the unanswerable question: What should I do with my life??

And if I happened to find my soul mate on that trip, as Liz Gilbert does, then so be it. 

Where does the time go???

It's funny to me that the last posting to this blog was written sometime amidst a North Carolina snowstorm in 2005. My life was so different then... and so much has changed.

Back then, I was in a committed relationship with someone I thought I was going to spend my life with. Now, I'm single, and have been for nearly two years (oh. em. gee.)

Back then, I lived in a two-bedroom house in the mountains of North Carolina that I rented from my parents. Now, I share a townhouse in the middle of Virginia with a roommate and two chihuahuas. And of course, my beloved Nellie.

Back then, I was struggling to find myself. Now... oh, wait. That's still the case.

I've lived in five states. I've held five real jobs. I've adopted two cats (one of which has relocated to what I just call, "The Farm"). I've watched in disbelief as my baby brothers have grown up. I've seen my parents continue to support me no matter how stupid my behavior. I've learned a lot about God.

So, as with everyone else in the world, I'm on the journey. For what, I'm not sure. But I hope to learn, love, laugh and live along the way.